The youth

The other day I was watching my children play and it really got me thinking about what life is like when you are young. Many of the following observations are obviously made with the benefit of hindsight. It’s actually kind of fun to reminisce about your innocence and naivete. Completely off topic, the last word of the previous sentence can be spelled two different ways according to the dictionary. I choose the less popular French version with the “e”. My keyboard doesn’t have the horizontal semicolon on top of the “I”, but I still think it looks much better than the more American version of the word that ends in a “Y”. Since I rarely use this word in conversation, and this may be my first for the written word, I wanted to get it correct. Sorry for the tangent, back to the topic. Seeing the world through the eyes of a child is probably the best way to alleviate stress and return to the simple things that make life such a wonderful experience. Just because we are older doesn’t mean we know it all, and are hard pressed for new and exciting things.

            First thing that comes to mind is imagination. When I was a pup my imagination was vast and exciting. There was no limit to where my mind could go. It appears my imagination was much stronger and optimistic than it is today. I am quickly sliding down the wrong side of thirty and I can’t remember the last time I played with a stick, that I turned into a powerful laser gun, and defended my home against creatures from another world. I can’t recall the last time I made up a game with a constantly changing set of rules that would guarantee the game last the duration of my choosing, and would always end with a victory in my favor. Come to think of it, I can’t think back to the last time I played a game that doesn’t require a board or electricity. I wonder why that is. Did I have a better imagination when I was a youngster? I don’t believe so. In fact it is very possible my imagination is still the same as it was in the old days. I think life as an adult doesn’t allow for healthy daydreaming. The rules are already determined and time is available for responsibility and commitment only. We still have the ability to create a reality of our choosing but the daily tasks required of an adult don’t permit such a mental expedition. It’s really kind of sad.

            Speaking of responsibility, when you are little you don’t have any. Well maybe the occasional order to clean up your blocks or the nightly bathing requirements, but for the most part you have no obligation to anything specific. You are free to explore and discover at will. That is really something to envy. Nestlings have no conception of work or money. They have no conception of the turmoil in the middle east or the looming responsibility to make nice with the taxman. It is of no concern that the bank account is getting thin and the power bill is due and higher that expected. Kids can’t be bothered with worry at all. If you had the choice I’m pretty confident that spending a weekday in a youngsters head space would be more relaxing than a few days in Maui. Actually that might be a smidgen exaggerated but you get the idea.

            Think about goals for a few. A goal of any significance or priority is inevitably attainable to an adolescent. The dream of someday discovering what mysteries are atop the cashier counter at the mall will be realized in time. With a little patience driving a car and riding a roller coaster will soon become a reality. Using a knife, lighting a match, and kissing someone of the opposite sex will all come soon enough. I reckon in the politically correct world that is today I am required to list all of the possible sexual preference options, but I just don’t have the time or knowledge to please everyone. The simple act of staying alive will guarantee the excitement of seeing and experiencing new things. It really makes me miss the simple stuff that used to fill me with happiness and the feeling of accomplishment.

            Entertainment is much easier to come by when the world is your oyster. The detached thumb gag is always good for laughs. Peek-a-boo and hide and seek are overwhelming favorites in the child community. Discovering the art of yo-yo manipulation is good for hours of amusement. Playing with a light switch will undoubtedly cause a lengthy smile. Kids can easily kill half a day marveling at the masterpiece of modern technology that is the belt buckle. The cardboard tube at the end of a roll of paper towels is good for about a week of consistent joy. In fact, the toy you received for your birthday can’t compare to the endless fun you can have with the box it came in. I’m very jealous. Today everything that provides me with an escape will most likely cost money. Even the cinema experience has lost the excitement it used to provide.  I enjoy a movie as much as the rest of us but it can be sad. Think about it, Hollywood has almost lost the ability to make something new and interesting. It’s all about a remake that isn’t as good as the original or an old premise told in a different way. It’s the same handful of overpaid actors delivering the same cookie cutter entertainment with better special effects or a more absurd and obscene look at what is popular for the next ten minutes. Let’s face it Mickey Mouse hits a home run every time. Pluto never disappoints. Donald duck and his inability to speak the English language in a clear and understandable manner like the rest of us will always make for a strong and sustainable chuckle. A giggle is always a moment away and farts are always good for laughs and available after a big meal.

            The exhausting reality that will become life as an adult is not known to a little one. I’m not saying life is sad but it isn’t nearly as exciting as it used to be. They say that you learn something new everyday. I’m positive an adult gave us this piece of depressing wisdom. The young learn thousands of things everyday. They love to learn and ask for more. It is really a shame that our lives are so busy and important that we only allow ourselves to learn one thing new a day.

            We, as adults, must make an effort to enjoy the little things. Adding to the frustration of my wife I have been trying to think and act more like a child. Actually I’m certain she thinks this will not be much of a stretch for me. I’m not saying poop your pants or stick your tongue out at your boss. I’m saying do some of the things you used to do as a smaller version of yourself that won’t cause too much damage to your current situation. Try it. Walk to the park while not stepping on any cracks in the sidewalk. Your mother will appreciate this because her back aches enough as it is. When you arrive try skipping a rock. Count out loud how many times you can get it to skip. Kick some rocks or hang upside down for bit. Close your eyes and cover your ears when you are afraid. Play with a wooden spoon. Drink a glass of milk with a straw while scratching your ass and breathing heavily through your nose. Whatever you choose will do you some good. Life was more enjoyable when the world was small and the future was whatever you wanted it to be. It never hurts to daydream and I’m willing to guess that you will feel young and optimistic because of it.

The week

Monday’s are always weird. I guess not weird but more of a jolt on recent routine. I don’t do so well in that regard. It doesn’t really make sense when I think about it. I’ve been around for quite a few Mondays, but I’ve preformed much better on some of the other days by a staggering percentage. Actually I don’t usually work in percentages, only because I don’t really understand them one hundred percent. Except for these two most recent sentences they aren’t my bailiwick. Anyway back to Monday’s. As I mentioned I have experience in the beginning of the week system but I deny the necessity of being productive. I mostly sit and let my mind catch up. There is no need for me to jump start the most important part of my body. I let him warm up. Do only men refer to their brain as “him”?  Do women refer to their brains as “her”? And totally off topic, why are boats always “her” or “she”? Why is it “Mother nature” and “Father Time”? Who is in charge of assigning gender to such things?  Anyway, I’m not really a fan of Mondays, but I don’t have a T-shirt with a stronger message, and I don’t demand coffee either.

Now Tuesday is a little more productive but mainly for the reason it isn’t Monday anymore. A bit unfair to Tuesday I have often thought. If memory serves correctly Tuesday’s can get loud and busy though. I recall plenty of times during an active Tuesday thinking “damn, yesterday was only Monday” and feeling the weight of what the rest of the week might have in store. Or Tuesday’s can get boring or just be a “blah” kind of day. This can have quite a bit of suck involved for almost the same reason. Let’s all be a little kinder to Tuesday. After all there aren’t many song’s written specifically for Tuesdays. There aren’t any catchy or optimistic nicknames either. Tuesday does have a restaurant for decent burgers and fries though. If I were Tuesday I would milk the restaurant fame for all I could, and hope for the best.

Now Wednesday is mostly optimistic. Of course it is the middle of the week. A lot of the time it feels good to be in the middle of something, unless you are in the middle of a route canal or a phone call with the insurance company. “Hump day” always makes for some mediocre sex jokes. In fact sexual jokes in the workplace are more often accepted on a Wednesday. Also Wednesday is hard to spell. That irritates me to a large degree. I don’t usually work in degrees only because I don’t understand them, and I don’t have one. People will always look for a way to write Wednesday without having to go through the trouble to take the 8 seconds to Google the proper letter placement. So you wind up with very intelligent and well worded morning memos with a lot of “Wed”. For the most part Wed. isn’t too awful.

Thursday is where the vast majority of folks set eyes ahead to Friday night. Somewhat like Tuesday in the connection to another more popular day. Some folks can disconnect entirely. I personally remain connected for most of Thursday. Evening after work bar gatherings are common. I remember being told once that TV networks air the best shows on Thursday night. Be it Booze, the boob tube, or both Thursday is on the good side of hip.

Friday is always the best day. With the exception of Jesus, everyone loves Fridays. Folks are happy at work, on the street, in the bank etc. Not so much with the DMV. Friday is popular in music as a party theme. Friday also has a restaurant in its name with bad food and over priced watered down drinks. No matter, it’s Friday! Even just the word can be used as break room office passerby chitchat. Boss: “Good morning Bill how are things?” Bill: “Friday!” . This is a perfectly acceptable response. Maybe it’s not a great idea to express to your boss that you are happy for the weekend, but you get the idea. Also you can get away from your boss quickly without him smelling last nights’ festivities on your breath, if you are one of those types. There is mostly bad hair and simple dress on Fridays. I think this is because Friday nights outfit is already determined and set aside. Most likely with other outfits designated for the weekend. Also, with the amount of available threads already worn during the week, one must get creative with clothes not usually in the rotation. Laundry hamper is full, options are limited, and we wash on the weekend. Most folks have hair styles planned for Friday night. This style cannot last all day and evening so in order to save time hair is done after work. Maybe a quick lick and comb bed head touch up, or a moose finger style head shake hairdo is all you are going to see on a Friday at any 9-5. Still emotions are positive, the vibe is great and the day speeds by mostly because our minds, outfits, and hair styles are in the most promising and hopeful future of what Friday night might have in store. So unless you are Jesus, work at the DMV, or both enjoy the best day of the week.

The weekends I’m sure are different for everyone. Enjoy, that is all.

       

The time

Think for a second about time and our emotional connection to it. Hold that thought. Let us think about the concept of time. For all intents and purposes we as human beings made it up. By made it up I mean we assigned numbers to it and organized a system which we use everyday. It has always been around and will always be, correct? Without the luxury of faith as an explanation of the unknown it is very hard to wrap my mind around the concept of time. The definition of time is “the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole”. Clearly this is written by someone who is infinitely smarter than yours truly. “Whole” means complete or entire. This makes sense for the most part, but the “as a whole” has me confused. A “whole” must have a beginning middle and an end right? Let me try to explain my angle here. The past is infinite. Infinite is another concept I don’t think I will ever comprehend. It’s like numbers I suppose. They go on and on forever in both directions. Actually, when I put it like that I can understand, but in relation to the progress of existence I got nothing. The human race has done a solid job of recording time. Be it history books, journals from yesteryear, or art on a rock somewhere, we can go back pretty far. Yet there is a point where our knowledge of the past ends and we are left to guess what happened before and when. The future is a bit different in the sense that obviously we can’t keep record of it, but basically the concept is very similar. Actually you can keep record of the future because it will become the past at some point in time. The word “indefinite”, in the context of the definition above, still makes my mind move at the speed of Woody Allen dialogue in a film about the motivation behind Pink Floyd “The wall” lyrically lining up with “The Wizard of Oz” the moment color appears in the flick. As I keep thinking the word “indefinite” is what makes the explanation work but still not easy to understand. So let me make try to make sense of this, time is an unknown forever in both directions including right now. I mean just then. Actually the present does not really exist long enough to get comfortable. Actually the present always exists because we are always in it. The past exists because it just happened. The future does not exist because it is not here yet. It will exist when we get there and the present will become the past and a new future will most certainly come sooner or later assuming the world doesn't explode a second from now. Wait, even if the world exploded time would still exist right?? Just because humans are not around to experience time does not mean it is not a reality. Like the tree in woods thing, or the chicken and the egg mind bender. I may never get a handle on all of this because I don’t have the time. On second thought, I have all the time in our universe. Anything is possible in relation to time if you don’t violate the rules of the universe we have come to understand as truth. I will deal with “truth” some other time, but not now. I mean not then, or now. I mean in some other possible inevitable future.

 I think to make it easier I will use the time measurement of the “moment”. Moments are always with us. We just don’t take the time to realize it. In truth you can’t take time at all (more on that in another moment). It can take many moments to understand a single moment.
We use expressions like “time stood still” when something of great emotional value happens to us. As we have discussed, we know this is not possible. I think human emotion has a lot to do with how we experience time. When you are late for class time seems to be working against you. You can literally feel something inside you changing from the norm. If you are in jail or watching a Tyler Perry film time can’t move fast enough. In Hawaii you really want time to move much slower. When you give a speech, or some type of public presentation, time can move at what appears to be many different speeds, assuming you don’t like what will be your perceived experience. You would know you don’t like the experience based on an experience from another collection of moments in the past. At first time moves fast. Speeding closer to the moment you are actually giving the speech. As you begin the speech time hits the breaks and you are hyper-aware of the time. After the speech time speeds up again. You get the idea.
Another expression we use is “take the time”. This is misleading. You can use the time but never take it. Where would you put it? If you took the time to do something you would be using the time you took as well as the time you are currently in. To be more matter of fact, the time you were in. Seems like a waste of my time. Time doesn't really belong to me. We all use it for different things. I always use the exact amount available in a day to do one thing or another. It is an absolute certainty that you do the same. 



All of this craziness can make you just that. I must become comfortable with the unknown in both directions. It took a great deal of time (mine and yours) to realize that I must get cozy with the idea that I am just floating around in and out of the future and past stuck in a moment that will pass and repeat. Figuring out how I will explain this to my children is a challenge I plan to face head on in the future (or what will be that moment when it arrives and inevitably passes). It will be one of my prouder moments.  I’m sure I could make it easy to explain, but right now I don’t have the time. Actually I do, but I want to use it for something else.  

The dad

Before I offer my unsolicited commentary on our children and parenting techniques let me just say that when my wife asked me to contribute to her wonderful and informative blog I thought maybe I was being tricked. First I thought maybe she was testing me to see if I am hip with the program. Then I thought maybe she would take my writings and show all in the mothers of the world how her husband is clueless when it comes to raising children. I pictured them all to be having belly laughs at my expense and using me as an example to get into the minds of their husbands in order to correct mistakes they are making, or will make. I say this in good fun, but part of this paranoia is based in some very real insecurity I have about my job performance as a father. You see, I believe, in order to be an effective parent you must think of yourself as a parent. In the beginning that was very hard for me. I always saw myself as a thinker who would someday solve the worlds’ problems and understand all the challenges life has to offer. Admirable goal I must say. The problem is I hadn't finished my research. I hadn't even become confident in my way of dealing with the world and now I will be part of a team that is responsible for molding the minds of our two wonderful boys. You see, for the most part, men like to plan and execute said plans with swift and absolute perfection. This, of course, is impossible because life with children in always in a state of flux. I spent countless hours watching my pregnant wife sleep, usually around 7.30pm, planning and visualizing what my life would be like with new permanent house guests. I figured I had seen enough movies about pregnancy and parenthood (even the real girly ones I would never admit to my buddies I watched and kind of enjoyed). I figured I had read enough books on the topic to be well versed in the skills of fatherhood. Actually I had already started penning my acceptance speech for my father of the year award. Turns out I was naïve, unprepared and afraid. You see responsibility was not always my strong suit. In complete disclosure I had never really even held a baby for more than a minute or so. Are you curious how I am operating today and braving the uncertainty of tomorrow? Be mindful that you will probably not read seasoned wisdom and answers to all the questions you have. Rather you will read a few of the things I have learned in the two years I have been a father.

It was important for me to say to myself, and aloud at times, “I am a dad”, “this is my child”. I did this only because it is such an immense and immediate change that often, mostly when deprived of sleep or knee deep in dirty diapers and an onslaught of crying, it is hard to comprehend your new life. It sounds strange but it really helped to step outside myself and comprehend my reality.

Remember those friends with kids you used to pity on a Saturday night? They must be so miserable having to stay home while the rest of the world is celebrating. Do you remember how annoyed you where when your Facebook timeline was filled with pictures of newborns. Thank you for making me aware that little Timmy is now crawling and saying what appears to be “mama”, but is clearly just unrecognizable baby nonsense. Stop the world little Jessica took her first bite of semi solid food! No mention of the fact she managed to put the rest all over her face and hair. I was cynical, immature, and deep down very envious. Can you relate to any of this? Perhaps not, but those were my feelings. Here is the rub: Those folks are now just like you, and worse, they know a lot more than you do. Your hip status at the local watering hole, and your encyclopedic knowledge of the most recent Hollywood gossip doesn’t amount to a hill of beans to the previously judged. You must now make friends with these people. Ask them questions. Have them tell you battle stories. Accept and read all of the books they give you. Watch them closely. See how they interact with there child. Ask what might appear to be stupid questions. I once asked my sister-in-law if it was ok that my child had an outtie bellybutton and will that have any effect on his ability to throw a football or be successful with the ladies. Crazy thing is she answered me without laughing in my face. Jokes aside, listen and ask questions. Remember you don’t have to do what they recommend but it doesn’t hurt to try.

This bit of advice is for the guys, but I’m sure the ladies might find an interest this as well. Listen to your wife and follow her lead! Now I am sure my wife is laughing. It is in her DNA to be better at this than you. Drop the ego, throw out the old wives tales you heard years ago and do what she does the best you can. She has been through more than you could ever imagine. Trust her instincts over yours unless she is so sleep deprived she doesn't know what day or time it is. Also give her a break whenever you can. Do your best. You might be surprised at how well you do with your little one. Keep in mind that putting the crib together, cleaning the garage and running out to grab takeout are helpful but not always what your family needs at that moment. Take pride in the fact that you are the protector of your family, and a role model for your children, but don’t be feel left out after you most recent decline in attention from your wife. In fact during a family visit you may feel as if you aren’t even in the room. This is normal and part of the gig. It also can’t hurt to listen to your parents instead of thinking they are old and out of touch. Now my mother is laughing.

This is now and forever your life. Embrace it. Lets be real living fast and selfish had its brief excitement but this is the real deal. Being a boy is a lot of thinking you are the most powerful super hero in the movie that is your life. Being a man, and most importantly a father, is mastering the art of tolerance and delayed gratification. I can’t tell you that I have mastered these concepts but I try my best. I really do. Sometimes I look at who I was and I can’t even relate. That is, in my case, a great thing. Now I find myself watching my children sleep on the baby monitor and feeling my heart fill with love. It is not uncommon for me to tear a bit when I think about my boys. Happy tears! Lets face it I am a dad and I know what it feels like to love someone  more than myself. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. Sometimes I have to wipe the tears and pretend I am Rambo for a few minutes just to convince myself that I haven’t gone soft. But I have, and that is a good thing. I am that guy. I am posting nothing but my children on social media. I am worrying about runny noses and diaper rash. I am reminding them to be careful. I am wondering all the time if I am doing the best I can for them. Once again I am that guy and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

In closing we all make mistakes. I really believe if you make mistakes with the best intentions you will find your way to the truth and a way that works for your family. This is what it is all about!! Stay strong, stay supportive and take breaks if you must. Again guys, when in doubt listen to your wife. You did the easy part now do the harder more challenging work. From what I hear your work together will pay off in happiness a million times over. Most importantly laugh with your children. Let them know that mom and dad are enjoying life and that you are happy they are along for the ride. I’m convinced with love and understanding everything else will work itself out.

P.S.

LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE!!!

(you can stop laughing now honey pie)